Katelyn Ansari on Viral Love Authentic Dating and Redefining the Modern Woman Love in the Wild Podcast

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This is the Beyond the Story podcast, a show that goes way beyond the story. And now, Sebastian Russ.

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Hey, it's great to finally meet you here, the internets, once again, bringing podcast hosts and podcast guests together. So, thanks for taking some time out of your day to hang out with me. It's great to connect with you. I love how we end up finding people and connecting with people online now. that's the best part about social media. There's a lot of negative aspects to it, but, uh, being a people person and loving to meet new, interesting people with interesting, great stories, um, is kind of why I do what I do. So I'm excited for our conversation and thanks again for, for hanging out. So I, uh, I love telling people's story on the show. And for context purposes, I always like to go back to the beginning of the story, help our listeners better understand exactly where the beginning of the story started and what really brought you to present day. Now, the beginning of the story is always different for everybody. So whatever that looks like for you, but let's take a few minutes and back up to the beginning of the story and where it all started and your whatever your starting point is that brought you to where Yeah, of course, I think The starting point of my story is probably when I got divorced and I was just navigating life after that. I had kind of dated a little bit and wasn't really healed. I was kind of naive in thinking that relationships would just work if two people loved each other, you know? And, you know, I'm sure people are like, okay, but- I feel so seen. Right, right. Um, so, you know, quickly realized that that was not the case. And, um, there we go. And, uh, started going to therapy, really started working on myself and being like, you know what? I don't need external love. What I actually need is to pour love back into myself and do the things that I'm kind of searching for in other people. and really just build that back into myself, build it back into my kids and focus on that. Get kind of every aspect of my life in order. And so I did that, I took a break from everything. I took almost like a two year hiatus where I wasn't posting, I wasn't showing up online. I was really just like head down focusing on what I needed to do. After that, I was like, you know what? I think I'm kind of ready to start dating again. And I was on dating apps, and I was like, you know what? I'm meeting attractive people. I'm meeting people that are satisfying my outwardly appearance of what I need, but then I'm having to go through the basic steps on a first date. Like, what's your favorite color? Do you go to church? What kind of hobbies do you like? And then being like, you know what? I actually don't like cycling. I don't like running marathons. And I'm on a date with someone who wakes up at 6 AM to go cycling I was like, you know what? This is not it. This dating app thing is not it. It's kind of a waste of time. It's, you know, then I go on the date and the date's a waste of time. And so I decided I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing where I I'm doing the things that I love. And whether or not I'm looking for someone that's single in that space, I'm just putting myself in these places that I'm more likely to meet someone that I have the same interest in. So, you know, as you mentioned before, I did that.

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I was at Home Depot at this kind of, you know, I don't want to say an intense meeting, but it was a very, um, viral meeting that kind of landed us on the today show and kind of, um, you know, the global viral moment, um, where I watched my entire relationship unfold on the internet for, you know, I think it got up to like 5 billion people. It just, um, And with that, had to do a breakup with but we've had a conversation offline before this. So you were like, Hey, listen, I'm already in the content space, social media space. I need to start living this out. You intentionally walked into home Depot, which by the way, if you're listening to this never happened. So the audacity and bravery to do that is commendable in and of itself. Like a guy could only dream of being in home Depot to buy a bucket of pain and a hammer. And all of a sudden, meets a girl that decides, yeah, I would love to take you out sometime. And you guys have been in a full-blown relationship. So just a little bit of context there. I still find that absolutely in today's age. Wow, that happened?

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Yes, it did. And I'm not surprised it went viral. So I just wanted to add I'm at Home Depot probably like one to two times a week, if, you know, just on average. So being there was, it wasn't like, oh, I'm trying to find somebody. But when I did come across somebody, I was like, oh, okay.

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I was like, you know what, where is this? He's You're like, do you know where they have the brooms you're holding Now, after experiencing that, I'm very strategic on who I ask because I'm like, I'm not just going to ask anybody because I know what happens when you drop the hanky. So yeah, that So the relationship was obviously on display for billions of people to see the Today Show, People Magazine, all the things. And then when things didn't pan out, was that public information as well, too? Did you feel like it was obligatory It was. So I made a post where I was just laying it all out there. But it did end with a lot of love for each other, just knowing we were in different spaces of our lives. And, you know, when you kind of like start having those good conversations with people, you understand where they're at. And I don't blame him at all. I don't blame myself. I think, you know, both of us being divorced previously, we have things that we bring to a relationship and sometimes those things don't mesh. And I was like, you know, it didn't end bad. I'm not going to drag this person through the internet. I'm not going to make this, you know, the internet is famous for being like, you know, this person's over here talking, this person's over here talking. And I'm like, I'm coming from a healthy space of like, we ended things. That's all everybody needs to know. Many parts of our relationship were still private, even though we still posted and brought people along in our journey. So it just ended. And I truly, hope that he finds kind of the person that I couldn't fulfill for him. And, you know, I think he feels the same way about me and, um, hopes that I find somebody and I am dating somebody right now who's amazing. And, you know, I couldn't imagine not being with him. So, you know, I think everything happens for Sure. Yeah. It's like one door closes, another one opens up.

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Um, but, um, you know, one, I have to interrupt you It's where the gold is. You know, it's like, if you feel like it's lonely, you, you have yourself.

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So it's like, how, how do you look back on a relationship? And, you know, there's three sides to every story. Like, what was your side of the story? What is their side of the story? in relation to you? And what did I learn from this? Because if you just continue to be the same person that you were, you're not going to grow for the next relationship. You're going to keep repeating that same, like not toxic, but like same cycle that almost always ends in Right. Yeah. I found the common denominator in all my past relationships that didn't work out was me. And, uh, a lot of people don't aren't able to recognize that, but it does, it takes some deep healing and, and, and, and introspective. What is the introspective? Is that the word I'm looking for? Introspective. There we go. Working on big words over here, Caitlin, uh, to, to find out, you know, who, who we really are. And I think that. enough heartbreak and things not panning out forces us, if you're open to it, into ourselves. And I firmly believe that the only way out is through and being able to experience the not working outside. Fortunately, I was able to force myself into myself to figure out who I am and what I really want. But that led me to a space of, if I meet the girl of my dreams, great. And if I don't, great. And there is so much freedom in that space that most people aren't willing to entertain.

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Has that, did that thought ever enter your mind as far when you were going through the whole idea of who am I really and what do I Yeah. I, I really got to a point where I was like, if I build a life that I love so much, yes, I want that companionship, but you know, I travel a lot with my I travel a lot with my girlfriends and you know, I, I think too, when you're maybe still hopeful, like I, I'm a hopeless romantic to Unapologetic. I still believe in like, you know, that old school kind of fairytale love. And so, um, I was like, why wouldn't, like, if I did meet that person, it would be so great to be ready and healed and financially ready and in like the best shape of my life. And all these things that like matter to me, like having a great relationship with my kids already and having trips booked and having all these things that I'm like, I'm ready for a relationship. I don't need somebody like parts of my life, I want them to be an addition. And I want them to be like an addition of love because there's already so much love here. There's Yeah, I love that. I always say that my life's already here. And if I meet somebody that can take my life here, we can have a conversation and I am listening with all ears. Otherwise to date, just to date, to have somebody just to have somebody I have zero interest in. And I, my deepest desire, I firmly believe I had, um, I practice a Fiji breathwork. I don't know if you've ever been to a breathwork class before, but it's an incredible experience and allows us to really go into ourselves. We basically, you basically hyperventilate for 45 minutes in a class. It's kind of a yoga setting, but you got a blindfold on, you're on a yoga mat. And the idea is to over oxygenate your body and go on some form of a psychedelic trip strictly through your breath, because our breath controls everything. It's the beginning of life. It's the end of life. It's calms us down. It speeds us up. It's like whatever the deal, the above the breath is everything that we so quickly forget. And I discovered this practice about eight years ago. And my breathwork practitioner has been an incredible influence in my life, not only through the practice of breathwork, but through her own coaching and counseling on what she said.

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And one day she said to me, Sebastian, the deepest healing and work you will ever do on yourself is in an intimate relationship with another human being. And I immediately said, that is fucking terrifying. And, um, it's always been in the back of my mind and that was several years ago. And I had always thought about that and considered it, but always been like, I think I'm good because, but we can only run for so, for so long until the jig is up and it's time to face our, our, our, our true dreams and aspirations and what our heart is, is telling us. And I think that's, kind of what's started to play out in my life, specifically as of recent on here, of being able to lean in and saying, I want a relationship, not for all of the relationship benefits and to have somebody and to have a best friend and to have a partner. All those things are fantastic, but who do we get to become in this process? layers do we get to continue to peel back?

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I'm often reminded, and I'm sure you've heard of the story of Michelangelo creating the statue of David and people being in complete awe of this statue.

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And Michelangelo, how could you create something so beautiful? And he's like, I didn't create Michelangelo. I simply chipped away at everything that wasn't, or Michelangelo, I said David. I chipped away at everything that wasn't David. And one day David appeared. And I thought to myself, when I heard that story, I thought, wow. I mean, what does it look like to continue to chip away at Sebastian to continue to reveal who I was designed to be and what I was put on this planet to be. But unfortunately, I don't know that we live in a world where everyone shares a similar thought process of that, of becoming and really, truly being able to leverage another human being and two hearts coming together to accomplish the goal of living out who God It's true. I think, you know, easy is complacent, right? And you know, like sitting with yourself and understanding where your shortcomings are. It's terrifying. It's terrifying. But then it's also one thing to say like, Oh, this is like part of my circumstance or this is just who I am. You know, this is how I was raised. This is my childhood trauma. This is, you know, whatever it might be. And while I sympathize with people like that, I also am like, that's just, it's never going to be me. Um, I read a quote, one time that was, are you healed or are you just avoiding the Boom. Literally just shared that quote with my girlfriend two days ago.

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Wow. Cause I lived that for five years. I'm like, I'm good. I'm like, really, are you good? Are you just not Yeah. Yeah. And you know, for a while, you know, in different aspects of my life, I may, I, made myself uncomfortable because it is like muscle memory. It's like the more you do it, the less intense it's So, you know, unfortunately, and it's hard with relationships when you then bring a different variable into it where you're like, okay, I'm ready to work on it, but you are not.

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And you don't really know how to do it in a healthy way or a way that's not going to just like drop a bomb on everything that we're building. So that's when it gets super hard. But yeah, like you said, I've had a lot of moments in different relationships that I've had, mainly these last two, where it's really testing me as a person to replay the healing that I've done in the past.

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I'm like, okay, this is how I should act. But like, ooh, I Sure. Well, you know, the old tape continues to run if we allow it. I mean, it's, it's old programming and our bodies and brains are designed to protect us and remind us, Hey, remember when that happened, we're not doing that again, careful. And I think that can muddy the waters a little bit and distract us from the task at hand, which is what's really happening right now. And it's, it's, it's what's, what's taking things for face value. I like what you said about, You've got to be aligned with the other person being open to healing. I talk about this a lot with friends of mine that have been on similar paths and like meet somebody new and like, when do you bring up? Are you healed? How do you introduce that conversation?

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And I'm like, I think out of the gates, before I learn what your favorite color is, I want to know, have you been able to heal from past trauma and whoever hurt you?

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And if someone gets tripped up on that question, Yeah.

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Or needing a minute is one thing getting tripped up and being like, I've never been asked that before usually gives us all the answers that we're looking for. But have you thought about that when, when meeting somebody new and knowing, Hey, I've done the work on me and I continue to A hundred percent. And you know, maybe this isn't like, I have the conversations, but then I'm also observing. I am like, I don't even almost want to ask the question because then it kind of gives them the opportunity to be like, yeah, I'm healed. Or they can say like, no, I'm not, you know, whatever their response might be. You know, this is coming from a place of someone that I dated someone who was like extremely manipulative and like could tell me that this guy was orange and somehow make me believe it. So, you know, now I'm in a place where I'm like, I'm just going to observe. you act in these situations. I'm going to observe how you navigate to really understand somebody because words are words, but if words and actions Yeah. I always say I'm deaf when it comes to this. You've got to show me.

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I also think that I read something not too long ago that the best way to display an apology is with changed behavior. I've I've been trying to be laser focused on that for myself, and that this thing is never going to be perfect, and we are going to screw up, and we're going to have challenges, and it's not always going to be right, and we're going to let our person down. what does it look like to channel what takes place through those experiences and be able to change our behavior to try and minimize those things from happening over and over again? Because I think what weighs on relationships more than anything is the same thing happening over and over again. And we've talked about this a million times, yet it continues to happen over and over again. And, you know, I'm speaking from my own experience of how I show up and the feedback that I get, you know, based on all of that. But I think that making a true commitment to changing our behavior and not just, I'll try better next time, or I'll try. First of all, there's no try, right, Yoda? Do or do not. There is no trying on there, but being able to be aware, awareness is beautiful, but it's also a double-edged sword because you are also aware of how you show up and you feel all the feels of how you show up, good, bad, or indifferent on there.

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But I think that healing is, it's a beautiful process, but it's also messy and we're never done either. But the people that are open to it, I think that when we, you know, it's kind of like when we do, when we go through an experience and we heal ourselves in a specific area, we want to go tell the whole world about it. And then we want everybody to do the same exact thing, but that's just not how the work works and how healing works. I think that how people that have not done the work or not done similar work that we've done become attracted to actually putting that into play for their own life is seeing it play out. through ours, right?

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If I go to a seminar and I come back and you see something different about me and I'm showing up different and our life is drastically impacted because of it, you start to ask yourself a question. Hey, wait a second. I've kind of shit on this idea for way too long, but maybe, just maybe, there's something there for me. And I think I get to see that play out with the work that I do in business and with the talks that I give and the opportunities that I get to meet people and impact people. I don't, people say all the time, you changed my life. I didn't do anything. I was simply a vehicle to help call some balls and strikes and help you better understand what you don't know that you don't know. And maybe identify some blind spots that you're aware of, but you did the work. I used to do the same thing too. I told my brother, my brother, oh my God, you saved my life. She's like, actually you came to class, you put in the work, you applied yourself. And I think there's a lot to be said with you know, being the example, not only for ourselves, but for the people that A hundred percent. And, you know, I speak more of this from like my kids perspective, because I'm like, I don't want to, I don't want my unhealed version to be, you know, the foundation of their life. And so when you were like, you know, sorry, means nothing without changing behavior. It's the exact phrase I tell my kids, you know, they, I mean, they are five and 10. So, you know, put that into perspective, but you know, they'll fight and they'll say, sorry. And I'm like, it doesn't matter without change behavior. Like if you just keep saying, sorry, and they do, they're like, I don't want your apology. I'm like, you guys just keep doing the same thing over and over again. And the word actually does not remedy the situation. So, you know, um, and then the same notion, like when I am on social, I'm not telling people, like, oh, I'm from this pedestal and I go to therapy and I've really done this. I'm like, no, this is like the fruits of my labor. And I hope that you will find, you know, maybe not go so intense on it, but that you can kind of start and you can, you know, get your finances in order and you can work on your personality and you can understand not only like the vantage point of you, but understand it from different people. And I talked about this on another podcast where, you know, there's this phase or this new wave of women just like completely shitting on men for not being, you know, taking them on nice dates and not being so responsive and not being this. And we talked about it and we were like, but have you asked why? Like maybe his mom just passed away or maybe he's in between jobs or maybe this and this are happening. And it's like, men, women aside, it's like understanding that how people show up is a product of their life. And it's a product of what they're doing. And so, yes, well, you might not like the action. It's like, you need to understand the action behind it to understand how you respond. And in another podcast I did, it was like, these are things that I don't agree with. However, your actions aren't things that I don't agree with.

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And either they can change it or they don't, but Yeah, it really is. Well, people give themselves away too. So there's that, that, that there's an added bonus that kind of helps out. There's not much, what's the quote, your energy introduces yourself, introduces you before you even say a word. Um, and that, that, uh, That I think that's a benefit, especially if you're aware and you've healed yourself to as much as you and to date, at least, um, not to date someone, but I, up until today, um, in being able to, to, to better understand that. Let me ask you, I ask this question a lot, ask it to my coach, ask it to people that I have on the podcast all the time. Cause I'm always curious. I asked myself this constantly and I don't know. Sometimes I have the answer. Sometimes I don't. What are you scared of? Where does fear show You know, for me, I have two boys, so I am fearful that I'm going to, my past, I don't like saying traumas, like I- Just past, there we go, past, just the past. The past, you know, the past things that have kind of shaped who I am will then shape them in a negative aspect or that they won't be prepared for the world. So, you know, and then they'll just continue this legacy that isn't really that great. Um, and so I was like, I need to heal for myself, for them. I need to show up the best version of myself first and foremost for them. And then everything else can kind of trickle out after that, because, you know, essentially we're Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure you're a great mom, so don't sweat that too much on there. And as a father, I understand that as well, too. It was like, I just don't want to fuck her up. That's the ultimate. And now she's grown, and she's 24 now, and she's starting life. She's a great human being and I'm really grateful for it. But I also, it's, it's never really over when in retrospect and I look back and I start replaying that tape and I'm like, gosh, I could have done that better or I could have done this better.

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And in fact, as of recent, a lot of this shit's been showing up and I've been sharing it with her. And she said, she's a psych major, so it kind of helps a little bit, like a smidge, like a little bit. And she said, you know, just stop. Let me stop you right there. You did great, and you did the best you possibly could do, and beating yourself up after the fact doesn't do anything at all, and you're a great dad. And if they rated dads, they don't, but if they did on a scale of one to 10, I'm gonna give you a 12, okay? You good with that? So I, and I, and I think about those things and I, and I'm, I'm so grateful that I am able to get that reassurance from my kid. I don't know the way that's the way it's supposed to be with parents getting their reassurance from, from their kids on there. But I think the best possible thing that we can do as parents is heal. and break the generational curses that we grew up with, with making a declaration and decision that says this stops right now because I fucking said that it does. And I think that's one of the most powerful things that I've seen that play out in my own life with my daughter and scarcity mindset and the whole growing up in that space of not enough and the lack thereof. And this whole, I said, we're not doing this anymore. And then I see, how she lives her life now at 24 years old, completely self-sufficient needs me for nothing. It's a whole nother conversation. Um, but you know, sometimes we have to give ourselves credit when we don't think that credit is due on there. And we look at the product of where it's at. If you looked at where your boys are at right now and who they are and who they're becoming, like there's a lot to celebrate there, you know, which can eradicate fear. And, Yes. Yeah. My 10 year old is turning 11 and He wanted to either go skydiving for his birthday or, where do And I was like, you know what? He is going to like, look at those experiences. And I love that he has this worldly view of life because I naturally come from a scarcity mindset, you know, being a single income, single mom. And I'm like, I don't know if I'm going to, if I lose my job, what do we do? All these things, right? The worst comes to your mind. And if I can shield them from adult things when they're young and make them believe that they can go to Japan for their 11th birthday, I love it. Let me be the one Breaking the cycle and being able to say, you know what, dream big. And there's no one here to stop you to be able to do it. In fact, I'm here to support and endorse that whole process that you, and I think telling our kids that they can do anything they want, be it whoever they want, as cliche as it sounds, is so vital and important. I talk about it now in the talks that I get the opportunity to give. I often tell people, hey, I just want to before we get started today, I want to remind everybody that, yes, you can. And I know that may seem a little elementary and it may seem a little woo woo, but sometimes we need a little woo to wake ourselves back up again, because somewhere along the line, someone told us we couldn't do something and we believed it. And then we took it a step further and we started to live our lives according to that and started to live a life of a story that isn't even true. So being able to rewrite that story and realize who we actually are and who we were designed to be, I think that it sets us free, but it also empowers us to pass the torch to others so that they can set themselves free. And that's the beautiful part about Yeah. My, my like quote that I live by is you can't have your cake and eat it too. Because you know, my entire life has been like, I love this about this. And I love this about this. And I'm somehow going to make money off of this. So this can be my job and I'm still going to travel. Like I have kids. I love to travel, bring them with me. You know, it's like, I really, truly believe in that. And so that's kind of, the underlying message of all of my podcasts and I'm doing an event and I really want women and people to just understand that you don't have to have those limiting beliefs. It's a lot of work and it takes, you know, it's stressful and a lot goes into it, but it is very possible. So, you know, I hope that my kids grow up knowing that and be whatever they want to It really is. So let's switch gears real quick as we wrap things up here.

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Let's talk about the podcast. That's kind of how you and I connected. We met on, I don't know, the social medias, somewhere along the line, we replied to somebody's post or whatever it may be. I don't know where it all happened, but here we are folks. And one thing led to another, you found out what I did and you're like, Hey, I'm starting a podcast. And you actually did it.

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And usually when people tell me that I'm like, okay, sure. If I had a dollar for, and you did it and you've done a damn good job of it from the branding and the content aspect, but let's talk about that real quick. give it a quick plug for the audience. I'll make sure to put a link in the show notes so people can check Yeah. So I, I've actually wanted a podcast for a long time. Um, you know, I actually had a podcast that was like, um, I forget what it was, but it was mostly about marketing. And then after this whole Home Depot thing, you know, meeting somebody in the wild, I came up with love in the wild and it became the podcast. Um, And you truly were such a catalyst for my podcast I think I commented on one of your posts and you're like, I need you sending you a DM. And then the podcast conversation started. I think that's how I totally think so. Because I had followed you for a while and I was like, I don't know if I want to do a podcast. My plate is full. I don't know what to do. And then I had four scheduled and we connected again. And you were like, why are you waiting? Yeah. I don't know if you're like, if it's a scared thing or a prepared thing, you know, there's, there's reason behind both. And you were like, if you're scared, just do it. You'll figure the rest out later. And you know, in our offline conversations, totally have figured it out. It's not perfect, but you know, it really is, it's a lot about dating. So it's using my own life experiences and things that I've healed from, meeting with, you know, I, my first episode is like healing out loud. So it's me going through all of my vulnerable insecurities that I never thought I would put on the internet, but they are there now.

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And to now kind of interviewing really cool dating coaches across the Instagram world and, you know, just kind of rolling with it. But it is a podcast that is just very hopeful. It's very, um, heartfelt and it's very vulnerable. So it's just a very authentic podcast and I wanted to bring value and hope to people that you can. Have your cake and eat it too if you I love it. Well, while we're at it, I wanted to publicly give you your flowers for doing it, for actually getting started, because most people don't even do what you did, which is get started. And imperfect action often solves a majority of life's problems. It doesn't need to be perfect. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, you don't need to see the whole staircase. You just need to see the first step and then take another one after there. continue to do what you're doing. I know that your story and your message is going to change some lives if it hasn't already, and it's going to impact people. And I think it's going to continue to encourage you to keep up the work on what you've done and what you've set out here. Podcasting is my life's work. I believe that podcasting will radically change your life and your business if you let it. I'm qualified to say that because I've lived it. I continue to live it. And now I have the gift of empowering other people just like yourself to go do it. So stay at it. Proud of you and keep rocking and I think just reiterating, you can have your cake and eat it too. So if there's something that you feel like you cannot have in life, you can, um, everything is possible. And you know, oftentimes that Almost all the time, it does. Yes, I could not agree more. I often say, you can have it all. And most people are like, what do you mean? All, A-L-L, in all caps. Kaylin, so great to connect with you. Thanks again for your time. Privileged to call you a friend and be supporting your podcast journey. Keep rocking and rolling with everything you're doing here.

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Friends that are listening right now, there'll be a link to her podcast in the show notes. You'll be able to connect with her on Instagram as well, too. Love in the Wild's the name of the podcast, wherever podcasts are available. Thanks so much for tuning in. Until next time, friends. Thanks so much for tuning into this episode of the Beyond the Story podcast. We sure do appreciate it. If you haven't done so already, make sure you're subscribed to the show. This way you'll get updates as new episodes become available. If you feel so inclined, please leave us a review. We sure do appreciate it. Signing off from the podcast, launchlab.com studios. We'll talk