Redefining Normal - Justin & Alexis Black

SPEAKER_02 0:04

This is the Beyond the Story Podcast, a show that goes way beyond the story. And now, Sebastian F. Alexis and Justin Black. Here they are in living color, ladies and gentlemen, or in living audio, if you're listening to this right now. What's up, guys? Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

What's up? How are you guys doing? It's an honor and blessing to be on here to talk to you today.

SPEAKER_03 0:39

Yes, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

It's great to be. I don't know where I found you guys.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

I blame SPS. Um, it's quite the quite the incredible community. I'm at the love of my life in the SPS community.

SPEAKER_03 0:48

So Wow, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

Go self-publishing school. Yeah, absolutely. So um uh brand new book out. You guys hit the ground running uh with this book. It appears that's where I first found you. Uh in fact, I was talking to Brittany about this the other day. She's like, have you seen this girl, Lexus? She seems to be like just cranking copies of books out. I'm like, absolutely. I'm a little launch envy. Like there's a little launch envy there. So, first of all, congratulations on the book. Congratulations on the launch and when the attraction you guys have got. Uh, but let's back up a little bit. Let's help people better understand what led up to the book. How did you guys meet? What's the story behind the book? And when Lynn just kind of unpacked that for a few minutes.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Yeah, so uh just a little bit about how we met was uh we met at Western Michigan University uh in Kalamazoo, Michigan, is where we met. Um I was a freshman coming into college, she was a junior, and there was a scholarship program for foster youth and higher education where there was a summer early set week where um during the summer before the semester starts, you if you enter into this uh this scholarship program for foster youth, basically they introduce you to your campus coach who will assist you through college. They um allow you to get familiar with your classes on campus and get familiar with campus altogether. That's where I met her the very first day of the program. I wasn't even in college yet officially, but I met her and um we had our um, you know, we we we we kicked it off immediately, you know, but it was it was uh interesting because of the age difference. And uh I I I struggled a little bit, you know, just trying to figure things out in college as well as a friendship, relationship, wherever we were going at the time. But uh yeah, we figured it out and we were married today.

SPEAKER_02 2:34

So did she say, Come on, let me show you around? I mean, she's a junior she's a junior, you're the newbie, right? Freshman on campus.

SPEAKER_03 2:44

Yeah, I thought he was a baby. So I was like, oh, I don't know about this.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

So you guys, so you guys were in the same program together?

SPEAKER_03 2:50

Yeah, I was a transfer student, so I had to join the I had to do the um the summer early transition week with all the freshmen, even though I was a junior, just because it was a requirement for the program. And I only did it for the free food, so I ended up getting a husband out of it.

SPEAKER_02 3:05

Look at that. What showed up for the free food, got a husband.

SPEAKER_03 3:08

There we go.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

I love it. So you guys are married now. How long have you been married? We've been married, what, since August 2020? It's about seven months.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

So we've been to Newlyweds. We've been together since 2016, but we uh we were engaged in 2018, May of 2018. I actually proposed while she was abroad in Ecuador. So I visited her while she was in Ecuador to propose, and then two years later, you know, we went we were getting married, but we didn't want to the pandemic to stop anything. So we just went along with our planned date, and uh August 8th, we got married. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:41

Nice congratulations, newlyweds. Look at that. College leading to nuptials on the and he went to Ecuador too to to propose.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

I mean, yeah, you better say yes.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

I mean, even if you were like questioning it, it's like we traveled all the way here. I gotta think long hour. Well, I'm glad it always worked out. Everyone loves a happy ending, uh, as far as you know, college. We met here, the pandemic still got married, and then let's write a book. So, how'd that happen?

SPEAKER_03 4:07

Yeah, I mean, for several years, people were telling me that I should write a book um because I've I feel like I've lived or both of us have lived like 10 lives in our 20, whatever years that we've been on Earth, just because we both have been through foster care and we both have been through so much just trauma and life experiences and things like that. And and so um, when I thought about what do I want to write the book on, uh, as Chandler Bull always says, you know, pick a topic that's easy for you to write about or that you talk about all the time. And for me, it was healthy relationships, but that topic is so big and broad and it felt just overwhelming. And so I asked Justin, I'm like, you know, we do everything together. Can we do this together? And so we decided to kind of do it also as a project to get closer together before we got married because we never really had examples of a healthy relationship or anything like that until college. So we had to really, you know, navigate what that looks like for ourselves and not having those uh influences around us. So um, so it started as that, but then it really just turned into something so much bigger than us where we can serve and help others break generational patterns and heal from their past and and just work through things, really.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

Yeah, and and with that is the component of really when we go back to our biological families, we go back in those environments, you know, it we always, like she said, we it's like we lived like five lives in one. When we our biological family were a reflection of who we were in our early teenage years and who we were as children and as adults in the space that we are in right now, as authors, business owners, college graduates, study abroad and everything. Uh, where we are right now, when we go back into those environments, when I visit some of my family, it always feels awkward because I feel like I'm in a whole new person than the one I was when I was a child or when I was a teenager. And uh I it's just two different worlds. And we had to go through that process of redefining our normal and evaluating the the environment we grew up in as family, as the culture we grew up. And it it really went through it was a it was a a long process, a daunting process that many people have to go through, and we want to challenge other people to just be reflective of their family, community, and the culture they grew up in.

SPEAKER_02 6:23

Yeah, because I would think you know, I don't know about you, but I don't want to speak for everybody, but once you've done I call it doing the work, right? That's just doing the work on yourself, together, etc. When you've done the work and you're no longer who you used to be, when you go back to the people that you've known all your life, aka your family, they're not ready to meet that person. So there's so there there's there's always that that that uh well I mean I'm good with with the progress and and strides that I've made in my life, but maybe m some of my family members haven't. And I think that's really the rub in between, you know, not being able to be ready to meet you, because they're always the first family's what the first one to shit on your ideas and remind you of your mistakes. Am I right? That is so accurate. Is that not is that not the accurate? It still happens on a on a on a on a on a on a on a daily basis, and it you know, they can't help themselves. Uh that's just the way life goes, and it's fun that that's it's kind of somewhat so talking about redefining normal. That is kind of like the normalcy. But when you've done the work and you're more aware and you're conscious of of yourself, the work that you've done and those around you, you're compassionate to the fact of people reacting that way. And that's exactly what it is. It's a reaction based on old thought patterns and beliefs that individuals have had uh about us that that train them, right? We teach that the old saying we treat people, we we we teach people how to treat us, but we also evolve as human beings. Well, most of us do, right? Most of us one would hope. So um well that's that's fantastic that you guys have been able to come together, um, become a unit, write a book to talk about you know, your your upbringing, your your your childhood, trauma, all the ugly stuff nobody wants to talk about, but we've all got it. That pain and trauma is not going anywhere until you address it, own it. Absolutely. As one of my practitioners I work with says, and Sebastian, if you can feel it, you can heal it. And uh, you know, and it it it is it is so true. Uh even to the fact he'll use he's a he's a chiropractor, does Eastern medicine and lots of the type of energy work and whatnot, moves all style. I don't know what he does. I believe him though. I feel better with it. Uh but uh he'll he'll use like an example of like, you know, oh my shoulder's a little out. Okay, cool. Just be with that real quick. Have you ever thought about just being with the pain? Well, because we're running to just pop a pill, grab a cream, go to escape some sort, other than being able to actually feel through through through these things on here. So doing the work, major key in life, not a lot of people understand. And unfortunately, very few people choose the path of of healing. So um it, you know, it's it's it's my hope that your story and the book that you've written uh will help contribute to that and redefining normal. I mean, I I the first thing I think of when I see the title of your book is uh normal is a setting on your dryer. That's the first thing. Yeah, that's so true. That's the first thing that I think. But so that whole redefining thing is saying, hey, listen, it was this way. Our childhood was this way, and trauma happened and things took place, but we freaking did something about it. And we took it head on, and because we're able to go do that, now what now what happens? That I think I saw that used to say I'm aging myself when I say I saw that bumper sticker one time. This day and age is like, I saw that meme that says that says, I've healed. Now what? Well, now you get to bring it to other people and you get to be able to take that story to other people and say, you know, and give them hope and inspiration and motivation behind your whole story, saying, Listen, uh, we lived this. Like this was our life. In fact, it was a little bit worse, or your situation is a little bit worse. But trauma is trauma. Uh, and and unhealed trauma, I think, even worse. So uh I I I love that. So in the book, what do you guys cover? What do you guys talk about? Do you just unpack your story, both of your stories, and how you guys came together?

SPEAKER_01 10:12

Yeah, it's it's so many different themes that we cover in the book, and I love how it's laid out. The book is laid out where it initially we suck you in with all the juicy uh romantic stuff, how we first met and the program and everything. But then we we end the chapter, the first chapter, with just we we end up kind of me and Alexis laying in the grass right now, and we're kind of like just getting ready to unveil some of our deep, like not deep secrets, but some of our like not so pretty, not so pretty parts of the story. Yeah, not so pretty parts of the story. So you go into this this uh part where we're laying in the grass talking, and then she's getting ready to reveal something to me, just some of her past and her trauma and foster care, and then the next part goes into some of her trauma and then some of my trauma, and then we talk about different themes and subjects, but we always say that you can take our lives out of this book and put your life in because we talk about um what was our definition of love as a child, and you can ask yourself, what was your definition of love as a child? And for us, it meant pain, it meant violence, it meant attention by any means. Uh, you can ask yourself, what was your mental health and stability like at certain points of your life? What were you desperate for love at certain points of your life? So we go through these themes, and we is though it's a story partly about our book, it's more or less uh covering certain themes as it relates to our life that each and every person has to ask themselves that question. Ask themselves about their mental health and definition of love. So we go through all these things, and then we get to a point where we come back to that point where we're in the grass, and then we have to figure out okay, two people with all this trauma and all these experiences, how do we figure this out? Because what we've we've experienced that many people who come together who've had experiences in the foster care system, it's like a ticking time bomb. We we depend on each other to kind of solve the other person's trauma when it shouldn't be like that, when we just need to actually support the other person. And we went through that process of I wanted Alexis to be my therapist, and I'm saying, oh, I don't need a counselor, she can be my counselor. But it wasn't fair to her when I needed someone who was trained and professionally uh in position to really help me deal with my mental and emotional stability, and she can support me through that process and be my partner, but it wasn't up to her to solve my issues. So we had to go through this process of unlearning and relearning, and it wasn't like a light bulb just went off for us, but it was the process of figuring things out, and to this day, it's still a progress where there's two generations of drug abuse on my mom's side, and I have to be aware of medication intake, alcohol, and not turning to those things when I'm stressed or upset or anything. And the same for her, we have to be aware of what's generational in our family so we don't turn to those things when we're feeling some type of way emotionally and mentally. Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:07

That trauma bond can be real and extremely extremely codependent. I think I don't think people understand that. I the they the they they confuse that with, you know, he or she is really there for me, you know, like no other. But you just like you said, it's climb I'm so so glad to hear that that you guys have been able to discover the fact that wait a second, time out here. Yes, we do in fact help each other process a lot of this, but it's not the end all end all because your shit is your shit and her shit is her shit. And that's that's that's that's you know, that's the the the reality of it now. It's reality, yeah. But all but it's very in a very powerful space, and I live this too on a daily basis, uh, with with with the love of my life. It's like we can talk about this all day long, but it's your job to go do the work, it's my job to hold you accountable for doing that work.

SPEAKER_03 13:58

Yeah, and uh, I love that.

SPEAKER_02 13:59

I love that, yeah. That's perfect. It really is. When you look at it, you know, and you you know, you get married, you come, you come together as a unit, which is great, but that does not remove your individuality of who you are as as Justin, who you are as Alexis. It just in it just I believe it amplifies it even more. It allows you, I believe, you know, God designed marriage for us to be able to live in in a in a in a union and a space of being able to be account uh held accountable for our own individual past while blazing a path together. So you guys figuring this out and just you know, you guys I still hear the wedding bells. I mean, my goodness, August. I mean, you guys are fresh off the the uh the wedding aisle on here and and dove right into it. Like, let's get to work. And I really believe that, you know, I don't believe this whole, you know, divorce rates are high and marriage isn't sustainable. Like I used to believe that stuff, like I literally did, and then I experienced real, true, authentic love, and it changed everything. And real, true authentic love is not I'll solve all of your problems and I'll make you feel better. Um true love is holding you accountable to become the best versions of yourself. So again, hats off to you guys. Once again, lots of lots of round of applause for for the strides you guys are making and doing stuff, and and most importantly, not keeping it to yourself. You're writing a book and saying, hey, listen, there is, and I and I, and and and I believe there's much more to come above and beyond the book. I think the book, I mean while you guys getting married is the starting point, and then you know, be you know, becoming a unit and then being able to write the book and tell the story and continue to unpack it from there. So so let's talk about business. What do you guys do for business?

SPEAKER_03 15:29

Yes. Oh what's your primary? Um so actually we own four companies, and uh so one of them being yeah, so we're busy, one of them being uh redefining normal, where we turn that into, yep, it's our shirts. You can see it on the wall behind us. We turn that into a company from our book, uh, and we do speaking engagements, keynotes, trainings, book clubs, you name it. We've actually sold over 5,000 copies of the book. And when did it drop? November. Wow, nice. Yeah, and then um we're actually slated to sell at least another 2,000 in the next couple months. So really excited for that. Um, just you know, really working with conferences, and that's we've seen that as our best way of um reaching so many people that we need to reach and getting this message out there. So that was um, that's less redefining normal. Then we have Rose Empowerment Group that stands for rising over societal expectations, got on his hat, and um, and so that's mainly his baby, but it's focusing on the Rose model, which is myself, my community, and my impact. So, really just understanding who you are, your identity, what is that rooted in, and how can you leave a legacy on the world? So uh developing leadership conferences, things like that. And um, and then we have uh Rose Media Group, um, which is a new company from actually publishing our book, where so many different authors and other people have come to us and said, How have you marketed? What did you do for PR? And so we essentially created a PR marketing company to support other authors and other individuals wanting to get their message out there. And um, and then the latest, or sorry, then the other one is the scholarship expert, and that one I actually started in 2016, and we've helped at least 500 students now uh um try to find funds to go to college debt-free. So that one uh more or less we're pushing our planners and uh in our other book, The Scholarship Blueprint. So it's been the second book. Yeah. Well, the first one was more or less a little like a guide. I think it was about 40 pages. So it's more or less a guide.

SPEAKER_02 17:23

This is our first book, like a big book, got it. Okay, yeah, very cool. So you guys have wasted no time whatsoever at all since you've been together. Forget about the wedding since you guys have been together. So that's fantastic. You guys have been really creating a foundation for change, literally, uh, of being able to build that foundation out to be able to impact others, be able to through through your story, through you guys continuing to do the work and coming together. So this is great. The world needs more examples like you guys uh that are actually not we don't we're not we don't talk about it. We we you you you be about it. And that's what you guys are doing, really diving in and saying, you know, what else can we do? Who else can we impact, and what other lives can we change through our story, through our journey and and what we're doing. So the speaking engagements and the stuff you've been putting together, is that is that really has that yielded a lot of the bulk deals on on the books? And that's a great strategy, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 18:15

Yeah, so we either use the books as a way to get speaking engagements or use speaking engagements as a way to um to sell the books. So again, we do uh speaking engagements on multiple different topics uh as it relates to maybe trauma, supporting those who have experienced trauma, different universities. So uh professors and faculty interact with students who've experienced trauma on a daily basis, but aren't able to advocate for themselves. And maybe uh faculty and professors may interact with um students just like they're any other student, but maybe they're not traditional students who've experienced trauma. Maybe they're uh the first in their family to go to college like I was, and just being helping them, giving them the resources to support those types of students. Uh, we support foster care parents and foster care advocates. We want to do more uh relationship tailored work where we talk about foundational relationship, uh the pieces of building a healthy foundational relationship, uh, and so many other things that it relate relates to the book, uh, do trainings with foster care parents and faculty and professors, and so many things that really position us to continue this conversation. I love it. And this is fantastic.

SPEAKER_02 19:29

Again, I'll say it one more time. The world needs more couples like you guys, more people, more humans like you guys on what you're doing. If for some reason you're just tuning into this episode, I don't know why you would want to start it towards the end of the episode, but I'll have a conversation with my new friends Justin and Alexis Black. They are the authors of Redefining Normal. They unpack the story of their not-so-pretty childhood, not so pretty trauma, and what they actually did about it. They did something with it and used it. And you're able to use and leverage your pain and trauma to become a better human being and then impact the world. I believe that's what life is all about. Well, once again, I wanted to congratulate you guys on all of the success that you've had uh with the new book and all the strides that you're making. You guys are clearly doing work that matters, and that's that's really what this uh this whole life thing uh is all about. And by default, I'm sure you're reaping the benefits of success in business because you're leading with your heart and you're leading with the idea that our story can, in fact, change people's lives. Our story has changed our lives. How could it not impact others? So uh please please keep up the great work and uh I look forward to staying in touch with you guys and and and seeing how your journey continues to unpack on here. And I really appreciate you guys taking some time here to hang out on the show today and talk about this. If you're listening and you're thinking, holy cow, I want to connect with them. All their links are gonna be available in the show notes, in addition to a link directly to the book. Buy yourself a copy, buy 10 copies, 15 copies, get them in the hands of every single human being you know because everyone needs to better understand what they don't know, that they don't know about past trauma, about not so pretty childhoods, about how to actually step up and do something about it. So thanks again, Justin and Alexis, and come back soon, will you?

SPEAKER_03 21:11

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

All right. We'll see you guys soon. Thanks again.

SPEAKER_03 21:15

Thank you so much. Take care.

SPEAKER_02 21:19

Thanks so much for tuning into this episode of the Beyond the Story Podcast. Be sure to appreciate it. If you haven't done so already, make sure you're subscribed to the show. This way you'll get updates as new episodes become available. If you feel so inclined, please leave us a review. Be sure to appreciate it. Signing off from the podcast, launchlab.com studios. We'll talk to you next time.