How To Meet The Girl Of Your Dreams - Kavita Ajwani

This is the Beyond the Story podcast, a show that goes way beyond the story. And now, Sebastian Rusk Kavita, welcome to the show.

Sebastian Rusk 

Thank you, Sebastian.

Kavita Ajwani

It's great to have you here, finally.

Sebastian Rusk 

Finally, we are doing it.

Kavita Ajwani

I did your show. And then I'm like, we got to get you on my show. And we hadn't done that. And we've been chatting it up, um, about, uh, you know, the business, the dating, the, the, the whole life. So all the things we get to do is being mastermind members in the great Dan Martell's group. Um, and how long have you had speeded at Dan's group? How long have you been in there?

Sebastian Rusk 

Uh, coming up on a year now.

Yeah. And you've had quite the transformation as well.

I have. Yeah. Yeah. Well, life has changed.

let's talk about it. Let's get started talking about that. Cause that stuck out in my mind. You mentioned something on one of the calls a couple of weeks back and where you were when you joined. And it resonated with me because I wasn't struggling when I, when I joined, I was just in a bit of a sales slump for a little bit. And I'm like, there ain't no way that I'm joining your group right now. And he was like, well, resistance is highest when it's time to level up. And I've been able to, almost 10X that investment since just November. So that resonated when you said that. So let's kick things off by talking about, for listeners, if you've never been in a mastermind before, you need to explore what's possible. Being in a community of like-minded individuals is extremely powerful. I think it's, seven habits of highly successful people or how to win friends and influence people. A book that was written a gazillion years ago. One of the, one, yeah, one of those methods is join a mastermind. And when I did that like four years ago, my life changed. So let's kick things off by talking about what your experience has been with that.

Yeah. I mean, I, I've always been a really big believer in mentorship and coaching. If I was ever in a position where I wasn't doing that, it was just purely out of there's no money for it. So I'm talking like I've been in business 13 years now. Um, and in the beginning, I'm like, wasn't even a thought, but I've always been such a huge advocate for let's not do this alone. So I've always had help. So I feel very, very lucky just from the beginning of my journey that there have always been people being so willing to help make my business what it is. For Dan specifically, I mean, it's just been next level. I was actually very hesitant about doing group coaching. I've always thought one-on-one is it. If I'm going to pay, I'm going to go premium. That's always been my mindset. I need the attention. It has to be all about me. No one else is going to understand what I'm going through. And lo and behold, the community aspects of this mastermind aspect that you're talking about has been tremendous in terms of like, I can't even call it a perk or benefit. It's equal to the coaching that I've gotten from Dan, just the encouragement. Having accountability alongside what Dan has taught me, right? So it's like Dan teaches me something and then I have this group of people who are like lifting me up and waiting to see me win, right? And it's like, okay, well, I'm not letting anyone down here. So I think, The knowledge that we seek is available anywhere, but the accountability, you know, when you pay for something, you put your money where your mouth is and you got to show up. That's what makes it work.

Yeah. Yeah. He's like a hug with a slap in the back of the head.

Yeah. Well said.

but you can't listen. I I've said people say, well, you, what do you like best about Dan? I mean, listen, ripped rich and rare are very difficult qualities to argue with. And he's all of those, you know, and then, you know, plus the community too, you're just around a bunch of people that want to win. And that's just makes this whole entrepreneur slash business owner journey just that much easier and less lonely too.

for sure, less lonely for sure.

So the dating game.

Yeah.

Let's dig into this. One of my favorite things to write comedy about is my dating life because well, let's face it. It's true. So, uh, when did you start helping people with their dating games, specifically men? Um, and, and why did you do that?

Yeah. It must be my calling. The universe absolutely knew what I was meant to do before I did because I used to work in aerospace. So I was at the age of 22. I worked in, I don't know if you know the company Bombardier, but I worked in a small office. of, I mean, the company is massive and they make private jets and airplanes, but I worked in this small office with me as this 22 year old girl and all of these like older pilots, like old men pilots. And I was so, I love my job, but I was so drawn to this ad I saw on Craigslist for a gig hosting speed dating events. And I wanted this job so badly, so badly, that I used to call them on repeat and say, like, somebody just called me, somebody just called me because they weren't giving me an interview. And at a point, they actually, they were like, no, no, we know nobody called you. Like, just stop. And six months later, finally, they called me and I got the job as a speed dating host for, Like, they were all over the world. So this specific city, I was the Montreal speed dating host. And I loved it. I was like this, like, little matchmaker. I got very good at, you know, people would come through the door and I just kind of had this natural ability to pair people up. So I'd be like, oh my God, you know, like, Sharon, you really need to meet Tim. Like, you guys have to sit together. I'm gonna make it happen. And then, so I just got really good at introducing people, connecting people. And then from there, I did that for five years. And then I started my own speed dating company, which I ran for 10 years. I started a matchmaking agency within that 10-year period, and I started coaching. And then post-pandemic, I just got so clear on the coaching side being the thing that I was most passionate about. There are so many ways to meet people. Speed dating and matchmaking are avenues. I wanted to coach people from like at their core and give them the confidence to meet somebody anywhere. So I can always guide them. And yes, I am a speed dating queen, matchmaking queen. I have all of the information you could possibly need on exploring those avenues to meet people. But I prefer to, like I said, like really work with people, understand, where they're struggling, what's going on. It's not about where should I meet someone? It's about why is this not happening for me? Why do I feel this way? And yeah, and then the last two years I transitioned to working specifically with men, but I've coached men and women for several years.

Speed dating, I gotta know more. So I think I've done, no, it was work-related.

Okay. Have I ever been to a speed dating?

Yeah, so there's a new outfit in town here called Thursdays.

Yes.

Yeah. And I bought a ticket. I swear I bought a ticket for the past two weeks and I haven't gone. not that I'm not that I'm scared to. Um, Thursdays are really long days for me and uh, I just didn't get around to it, but speed dating and then these like dating singles type of events on here. I love what you just got done saying that you're more passionate about helping men figure out the why of how they haven't met somebody and what they can do to change that versus let's just show up and roll the dice. Maybe she'll be there. So, To me, that dynamic is unique because I can be, as a speaker and a comedian, I can talk to anybody and it's very easy to talk to anybody because everybody wants to talk to you, especially when you get done with your talk or your gig or whatever it may be. When it comes to talking to women, I'm out now. However, I have been conditioning myself over the past couple of years and I will now talk to women anywhere grocery store. Hey, listen, if you're eating that kind of bacon, I'm not coming over for breakfast. Like I, I will absolutely do it. I also live in Miami where it's a very difficult place to do it. So, should people seek out dating events and speed networking or speed dating events to kind of get some reps in, if you will, or is it a personal preference? Help me better understand a little bit more about that.

Yeah, I think that, If you want to really increase your odds of meeting someone, why not go where all the single people actually are? They're not for everybody. I think what you, you just hit the nail on the head. They are so great for practice. It's hard enough to get one date. You don't like, but here are 10 mini first dates that you don't have to linger on where you don't even have to ask for a phone number. Like what a gift. And I think you should absolutely explore them, right? So one thing is like, yeah, if you really want to meet someone, first of all, obviously you have, I'm like, you want to meet someone? You have to meet people. Like it's a very linear equation. I want people, like it has to happen that way. I also say that, you know, 80% of luck in dating is just showing up, right? That's how relationships start. It's from, Eye contact is from a quick conversation. It's from asking someone about their, you know, choice of bacon for breakfast. It's how it starts. It's literally how it starts. From the beginning of time, people meet this way, from starting a conversation. And I don't know why we've overcomplicated it so much today. Like, it's this crazy thing to approach a woman or start a conversation or go to a singles mixer. Like, just do it. Just go meet people. That's it.

Well, my argument with that is men are fucking pigs. You know, a lot of them, they have no boundaries. They don't care. Cat calls the whole deal. Like I, I raised a daughter on my own. So my PR, my entire perspective on women changed drastically and how I showed up for them and treated them and D all of the above. But having, I'll never forget having the resting bitch face conversation with my daughter. And I said, have you gotten to the bottom of this? Because, you know, I love the whole idea of like fix your face. OK, it's OK to smile. And she looked at me and she said, Dad, that's our repellent. And I said, whoa. And she was like 15 at the time when I learned this, like from my own daughter on here. So when it comes to approaching women, yes, I love to go and talk to women. But my initial thought in my head is she's going to think I'm fucking crazy. And then I also replay the tape of going up to a girl one time and saying, hi, I'm Sebastian. And her looking me dead in the eyes and saying, no, thank you. And that fucked me up for a long time and continue to, I mean like, and it's Miami too. It's like, man, the surface level of living here is just, it's just that big city vibe and just this whole, there's not a lot of, so you, you, you talk a lot about men approaching women and why it's important. And you also talk to women about their opinion of it. Why do you, you know, you talked a little bit just now, like from the inception of time, that's the way we've, we've, we've met people. For a guy like me that has that type of perspective, and I'm sure that I'm not alone with that, what do you have to say to somebody that would tell you something like that?

not all men are pigs at all, not all men. Catcall, there are amazing men out there. The reason that we think that is because they're the ones making moves and the other guys are just too too scared to make moves. So what I've seen is like the kind guy who's actually genuinely interested, they're they are not in a lot of senses, sometimes not confident enough to make a move. So we don't hear the stories about the nice guy that's approaching. We're only hearing the stories of, we only hear negative stories, like in any context, right? The news, like that's what it's about. Can you believe this guy did this today? That's what we have been trained to believe. But it's not that men are not pigs at all. I mean, at all.

Some I stand corrected.

Some men, some men. No, I would say I would like to think majority of men are not. That is that is the case. And we humans are innately. We are kind. We are good. We are not trying to be assholes. And yeah, there's some out there. So I would really want to flip the script on that for sure. However, what you're saying is right in that it's those men that have given approaching a bad reputation. And it's for that reason that the good guys are uncomfortable approaching because they don't want to be seen as a creep. The same way you had a conversation with your daughter My clients, they're like, well, I talked to my girlfriends and they're telling me like, oh, the guys are like, you know, they're such assholes. So I, so they are, it's just like so ingrained in their head that if they approach, they're going to be the creepy, awkward guy that nobody wants to talk to. It's just not true. So I teach men to approach women all the time. They have incredible success. Relationships start.

Okay. What, what do you, what would it give me some examples? Like, is that, is it a compliment? I'm big on compliments. Cause I think that kind of diffuses the whole, is this guy, this guy creep. I'm like, listen, your hair looks fantastic. I mean, my daughter has curly hair, hates her curls. Anytime I see a woman with gorgeous curls, I stop them and I say, absolutely love your curls. My daughter has them and she thinks it's her life curse. And they go, she'll grow out of it. I go, she's 24. She's,

Um, yeah, there is definitely a strategy to it for sure. The number one thing though is, is your energy. So if you're coming at this woman and if you're feeling awkward, if you're feeling fearful, like women do have this heightened radar. right, for BS, for awareness, like, there is that protective, like, there is a repellent, like, the repellent, like, that's real. Because, I mean, that goes also back to the beginning of time. I'm not going to get into all that. That's just a real thing. Like, we are constantly on the lookout to keep ourselves safe. We don't need to be. It's illogical today, but it is there. And your energy needs to be in check. Your pace, don't be weird and awkward. And that's my point is most guys aren't and they don't even realize that they're not, they don't even give themselves a chance. But yeah, it does come down to your energy. It does come down to your body language. It's your energy introduces you before you speak. That is what is going to have her turn to you and be cool with it or kind of keep her back to you. So number one is your energy. And I'll talk about how to work on that. But number two is 100% start with a compliment and leave it at that, right? When men talk about approaching women, they see it from this like A to Z concept where approaching a woman means I have to talk to her, I have to keep it interesting, she has to like me, and I have to get her phone number. And it can be very daunting, especially for someone who's never done it before or doesn't do it often. Approaching a woman is just, it can be just the compliment. That's it. Okay, I call it creating a positive feedback loop, where in the beginning stages of learning to approach women, you want to feel good about yourself. And the easiest way to feel good about yourself is to get a positive reaction. The easiest way to get a positive reaction is just throw out a compliment, get the thank you, exchange a smile, keep moving. That's it. That's all you need to do in the beginning. And you will start to, that energy will start to shift because you realize, okay, people respond well to me. The other thing I love about starting with a compliment, this just happened to me. I was in Austin and this guy was so good. He was so good. So I'm standing in Austin. I'm looking down at my phone and my hat on, and I'm calling an Uber. And this guy walks by, just walks by, exactly. He's like, oh my God, I really like your hat. I'm a very friendly person. And so I turn and I'm like, oh my God, thank you so much. He knew that was his signal to come back. I'm not, I wasn't actually interested and that's fine. You're allowed to connect with people and I have a boyfriend, but I'm just friendly. So I turn, he notices, this guy comes back two seconds later. And then he's like, he's like, you know, you're really pretty. I forget his name now, but he's like, I'm Dan. What's your name? And then we started a conversation. And I felt like that was such a smooth move, right? Is to throw out a compliment, keep moving, and see the reaction that you get, right? If a woman just kind of like turns to you, smiles, looks away, keep walking. If she engages, smiles, turns towards you, maybe compliments you back, continue, right? But you have to release this like agenda that approaching means this like A to Z thing. Attach to the outcome. Yeah, shoot your shot, detach from the outcome.

I love that. All right, so is this, I'm sure I'm not alone, but so I was in New York City a couple of weeks ago, and I was sitting at the bar at like noon on a Saturday in a Mexican restaurant in Times Square, and two girls come and sit down next to me at the bar. They're having lunch, they're catching up, the whole nine, and they order this monstrosity of nachos that I've never seen in my life. And I look over and the girl sitting next to me was like, yeah, we think the same thing too or whatever. And I happen to ask all about that. And I started a conversation of some sort and I said, Oh, it's freezing. It was like 20 degrees and it's freezing, a lot colder than, uh, a little bit cooler than Miami. And she said, Oh, I live in Fort Lauderdale. And I was like, no kidding. What's up neighbor. Well, you guys enjoy your Saturday. And I bailed like all of the signs were there to continue a conversation or, Hey, when you get back home, we should totally connect. So I bailed like, so is that part of, the male dating experience on here where you got enough confidence to say something, you got a little rapport and you know it could lead into a conversation and then you bail.

Yeah. I mean, if you're beating yourself up over it, it's probably a sign that you're ready to, you know, push forward to that next step. But you want to Always push your limits a little bit, right? You want to get better. So I think when it comes to dating, every time you make a move, you're always getting better. So look at that as a win regardless. Even if it goes badly, look at it as a win, right? You tried, you tried. You tried, right? And that's enough. I actually train, I like to tell, ask my clients, like, really let's like rewire your brain around approaching women, around the way you think about dating. So I'll always have my clients, like the minute they leave a date, an approach, anything, like just quickly jot down like three positive things that just happened. So you go on a first date, it bombs, everything sucks, everything's bad. I still, like, when you leave, write down, It was a great restaurant. She laughed at one of your terrible jokes. You had a great steak. Whatever it is, you don't wanna leave those dates only remembering how badly things went. And I don't care what it is, just write it down. Because the hardest thing about dating is getting really discouraged after, right? Feeling like, oh my God, I'm never going on a first date again. But it can be that simple of like, that first date wasn't that bad. But the goal is, as soon as you leave, what are three positive things that went down?

I love that. You kind of reprogram your subconscious as well to show up differently on what that looks like. I find myself doing that too. I'm a big pros and cons guy. And I'm a man of faith too. I believe that there are no mistakes. I believe God provides exactly what we need and who we need. And a very bold prayer that most people don't say is if this person's not supposed to be here, please remove them quickly and swiftly. If they are, please make it explicitly clear. And I do that anytime I have any type of interaction with a person at all whatsoever. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but for the most part, you know, it does, but gosh, this is, You are so good. I never believed in like dating coaches like before. I was like, well, what a crock, you know? And then I meet and like from your content to your newsletter, to our personal interactions, when you've been able to give me a couple of tips, tricks and tools, um, it just really sounded advice, but it doesn't, it comes from such a place of it's, it's so heart-based you are, you are so dialed into your purpose. I always like to say, um, I, I live, I live in my purpose on purpose. And I'd like to say that you do that same exact thing as well. Thank you.

I'm going to call the flowers and I'm going to feel them and I love it.

You should. I had Amy Landino on, on the show a couple of weeks ago and she's an old friend of mine. We started around the same time, way back in the day and reconnected through dance group. And, uh, we got done with the interview. She's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I want to give you some flowers real quick. Who I met 15 years ago and who I'm talking to right now is a true testament of somebody who's done the work. I can feel it in your soul. And I'm crying on my podcast. I'm like, Amy Landino, you are not allowed to make me cry on my podcast.

She's like- She knows what she's doing.

Take it, Russ. Take it. Yeah. Hey, listen, my buddy, Brandon Burningham says, give people their flowers while they're still here. So important. So important. Let's talk, as we wrap things up, let's talk about the world of healing. healing and dating. You and I chatted a little bit about this before the interview. I am deeply passionate, um, about, uh, healing just part of my own journey. And now that I get the work that I get to do through podcasting and speaking and even comedy, um, does, does attribute to, to people's healing journey on here. How important is it for someone to be as whole as they can be before entering into a relationship?

Hmm. I, I think that we are always going to be healing and growing. And if you are doing this world right, you're gonna be always hitting a wall and facing something that you need to learn from. So I actually believe that a lot of people wait way too long before jumping back into dating and relationships. I think that we need to be a little bit kinder to each other. about you don't have to be perfect to be with me. Don't be broken. You know, don't be using this as a way to heal. But yeah, you're allowed to be in a relationship while you work on yourself. And I think that being in a really supportive and loving relationship. And that doesn't mean like you have to be married or three years in, but even in the beginning, that is going to really accelerate your healing. And I'll speak from experience because my boyfriend, I've told you this, my boyfriend died in a car accident when I was 26. And my current partner has been one of the biggest catalysts for my healing and growth. And I don't know, I don't want to say God knows where I would have ended up, but I think it would have taken me a lot longer to get to where I am without having that support in my life. And if I have followed what a lot of people say, if I had followed, you know, what people had said to me about like, oh, it's too soon. If I had been If I had allowed the judgment that I'd entered into a relationship as quickly as I did, you know, people are like, oh, did, you know, did she really love him? Look how, you know, there's people, people talk so much shit and they have no idea. They don't know about the relationship. They don't know anything. And if I had let that get to me, which people do let that get to them, my whole life would be different. Better or worse, I don't know, but I don't think better than it is today because I am so happy. So my answer is prioritize your healing. Don't let it stop you from living.

Love that, love that. Well, um, those of you listening here, I got could be this, uh, Instagram link in the show notes. That's the description of this podcast episode. Make sure you connect with her. She's got some freebies to give you. She's got an incredible newsletter that I absolutely love. And, uh, just all, and if you're interested in figuring out this whole dating thingy, as a man and what you can possibly do to improve what hasn't been working, then hit her up. She is the best in the game, in my opinion. But what do I know? Only a little bit of what I know. But make sure you connect with her. Kavita, I was waiting for this conversation. I'm so excited that we got a chance to make it happen. Um, it's a privilege to be, to be running with you and running in the same circles with you as well too. And I just love, love, love the work that you're doing. I just want to encourage you to keep up the great work. Uh, you are doing work that matters and it's admirable. Any, uh, any final thoughts for our listeners?

Well, thank you for all of that. And I do have a little something for your listeners. So if anyone does DM me, podcasts suck, which I thought would be fun. I do have a guide for them. So it's my ultimate guide on how to approach women the right way. So just exclusively for your listeners only, I will send that over right away. And I really appreciate what you just said about like, you know, we're here together, running together, doing this together. I'm so appreciative. You are awesome. I don't know if you noticed, but every time you're saying something funny, I'm always like, in the chat, I'm like, this is the funniest guy in Elite. And there are, I think, I mean, there are many, many, many people in Elite, and you're at the top of that list.

I appreciate that. Thank you. It is it's my gift. I'm just doing I'm just going where I'm led.

So good. So good. Thank you for this. You're obviously a natural. When my podcast days are upon me, I will be in touch. And I am one hundred thousand percent rooting for you. to attract your perfect match.

I love that. Attract. I'm doing it. She's out there. She's out there. It's only a matter. It's not, it's not if it's just when that's it.

I wouldn't even say, you know, I, I'll just say one more thing. I know that you're going to attract your perfect match, but there are so many, there are so many women out there for you. I just know eventually you'll end up with the right one.

Yes, I will. And until then I'm preparing myself for her.

Yeah, I love it.

Let's go. Thanks again, Kabita, you rock.

Thank you.

Until next time, friends. Thanks so much for tuning into this episode of the Beyond the Story podcast. We sure do appreciate it. If you haven't done so already, make sure you're subscribed to the show. This way you'll get updates as new episodes become available. If you feel so inclined, please leave us a review. We sure do appreciate it. Signing off from the podcast, Launchlab.com Studios. We'll talk to you next time.